my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
did i walk over a car last night?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
