We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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