all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Randomize
