he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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