my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
