It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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