Whats the count minus fat chicks?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
