and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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