When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
