why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
