when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
My vagina is officially offended.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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