I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
soo... how was my night?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
