i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
