just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
