i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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