My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
