Christians are straight up FREAKS
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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