i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
