There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
