I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
