your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
