Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
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Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
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Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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