I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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