I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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