Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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