Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
