we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
