I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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