Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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