I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
