dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
