So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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