every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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