hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
two words: eviction party
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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