cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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