I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
not ubering you a puppy
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
