either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
