Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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