Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
