Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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