Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
