i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
