:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
