im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
