hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
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Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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