Will you blow on my dice?
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
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