PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
