Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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