omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
