i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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