I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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