I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
