got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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