im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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