It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
