god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
