saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
