She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
