You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
