Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
